For the past 4 weeks, I’ve taken an intense journey through the web of patterning that I call my personal beliefs. I have explored so many of these beliefs before on my journey, yet came across some deep seated structures that I had no idea existed in my web. The decision to embark on this journey came from a desire to explore the theme of worthiness. Unconditional worthiness that is. I had traveled from the depths of feeling utterly unworthy in my youth to find success in personal achievements that brought me into a sense of self-love, self-acceptance and even worthiness before my own eyes. I fooled myself successfully into believing that this was in full alignment with my source. Little did I know that I had a lot further to go on this topic. All my sense of worthiness (so I came to understand along with eating personal humble pie along the way) had been based on conditions. The amount of conditions I had in place had me stunned over and over again, until I was able to begin to apply humor to this journey that lead me into the depths of cleverly masked unworthiness.
The first couple of weeks were difficult to navigate. It seemed to me that the more I gazed upon situations, patterns, memories etc, where the theme of worthiness played a part, the more would pop up. I gradually gained the awareness that literally every ounce of sense of self-worth I encountered had to do with some sort of achievement, behavior, or other condition that went beforehand. It literally felt like I was trapped in a maze where I would bang my head at some walls at every thought/turn. Alignment was not to be had. Instead, I experienced a sense of sadness and what felt like a sea of grief that threatened to engulf me. My best guess is that these feelings were the emotional response of the past 5 decades that I had successfully circumnavigated or silenced by applying myself to seek successes in order to feel worthy of living my life. With ingenious cleverness, I had directed such achievements away from the standard achievements of career and such, to give the impression that I wasn’t buying into mainstream patterning, but in this past month I came to realize that it matters very little in which area of interest one strives for success and achievements in order to accomplish the feat of feeling worthy. It’s all the same. Any area of interest that I felt a good sense of self-worth in turned out to be just littered with the covered up patterns of unworthiness. It ran very deep into existential depths.
I realized in my process that this sense of unworthiness is at the core of the human conditioning and activates immediately as we are born into our physical form. It’s a core pattern of humanity and to change this core belief took some conscious pattern pivoting on my behalf and I believe it will be an ongoing project for quite some time still, as mass consciousness is buying heavily into having to prove oneself first before a sense of worthiness can be … what? – achieved?! … In this very sentence, you can see the crux of this topic. I encountered the difficulty of “achieving the change of this belief structure in order to become worthy” over and over again and decided to relax every time I found myself to be “working” on changing the belief from unworthy to worthy. This drive to reach for something, to achieve something runs very deep in human thought, and since I am human like everyone else, it is no different for me.
The journey through the maze of patterns attached to the theme of worthiness brought me to this understanding: I am worthy regardless of any condition. The unconditionality of worthiness is the central factor that I was able to identify. The moment a condition arises in my thoughts, I know I’m buying into the unworthiness pattern, be it ever so briefly. When I pay attention and recognize that moment, I take the opportunity and affirm that I was worthy before the condition and stay worthy – period. It gets very simple after the first rush of the many beliefs that are part of the (un)worthiness web. A belief is a thought I keep thinking. Without pushing against conditional worthiness (=unworthiness covered up to make it acceptable), I have resorted to repeat words like “I am worthy regardless” or simply “I am still worthy” – “I will always be worthy” … At first these words sounded a bit phoney – almost like small little lies. Over time, once the intense 2 week period of grief and sadness had given way to better feelings again, these little reassurances had grown to be more powerful and today, I feel they have grown beautiful roots in my belief system. They have anchored in on many themes of my life and my life experiences have changed along with this fundamental change in my belief system.
I do feel mass consciousness’ pull at times still, where it feels like I am swimming against a mighty current, but I realize that those are the moments I am actually trying to fight against that current. Only by allowing that current to be unchanged, even though my personal current has changed fundamentally, do I feel alignment. I am worthy whether mass consciousness holds the belief of having to prove itself or not. I am being careful to not pronounce any success, achievement, or mastery at this point. I realize that the theme of worthiness is an all-encompassing core theme that touches every human being and I simply appreciate that I am free to share my perceptions in these explorations into worthiness, knowing full well that everything is always perfect and nothing is ever done.